R L Evans
PHOTOGRAPHY

Richard Lee Evans

The reason why i got into Photography

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Back in 2008 I couldn't have been happier. Working hard, loving life loving my wife and son nothing could seem to dampen my spirits.

I was working away from home which made it hard, working 12hr shifts with 4hrs of traveling on top of that was pushing me to the limit. So I spoke with my wife and said we could move and start a life closer to my work, giving up our family home and moving to an area we had no friends or knew nothing about. My wife could see how much it was affecting me and without even questioning me or my idea she said yes and we started to make plans.

We moved in August 2008 everything went perfect then BANG the Financial crisis hit and hit hard. The Company i work for went burst i lost my Job and lost everything that went along with it.

This was the start of my problems. Wife was working a part time job and had stepped up doing more hours, i searched every hour every day for a job, interview after interview and nothing.

Sinking deeper and deeper into my own thoughts blaming myself for moving away putting all the pressure on us as a family the shame started to sink in even more constantly blaming myself, locking myself away from the world. All the rejections from interviews felt like a waste of space.

Feeling like this without even noticing I started to lock myself away from the world and when I did go out I felt a sense of shame. Thinking people were looking at me judging me, the little devil on my shoulder named Anxiety had started to take over. I felt the fear of going out meeting people, even family members and friends who I had known all my life. I choose to flee every time.

Locking myself in the comfort of my home for days, weeks, months and years.

My wife stayed strong through this and carried us working her fingers to the bone, never judging me and always supporting me. Other family members couldn’t or just didn't understand. So i got the normal comments of MAN UP and then the comments you are not a man blah blah blah. They didn’t even comment like this wasn’t helping one bit. The Anxiety had already taken over the self shame and doubt if I was a man for letting my wife do all this.

Days when i was alone in the House i felt like ending it all but for some reason my wife and son always popped into my head and that was the only thing that kept me from doing anything stupid. But the thoughts never went away.

This went on for almost 6yrs me being locked in the house not seeing the world or even being able to go into the garden.

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Then I'm not sure what or why it happened. I was in the room with my wife and son and I just broke down. Bursting into tears i said “ i can’t carry on like this i was ready to just give up and die” my wife looked at me with tears in her eyes and her words will always be with me “Richard we are and will always be here fighting this with you”

We spoke more and I arranged to speak with a Local Doctor for the first time in almost 6 yrs with my wife and son . I went outside the house. As I spilled my guts to the Doctor who was amazing with me his words were not of judgment but of hope and how he could and would help.

I took things slowly as I wanted to go to the no med root. Going outside with my family twice a week even if it was just to sit on steps and watch the world go by then going outside on my own. There were lots of times I failed and went running back home to my safe space. The number of times I failed I couldn't even count but the thing was I didn't give up.

Speaking with my Doctor all the time we come up with different ways of coping with the fight or flight, a lot of these failed which we knew they would as its all about finding what's right for you. Believe it or not, taking Photos while I was outside looking through a camera lens hid the world and let me get on with my life. Going to the Gym first thing in the mornings while no one was around then slowly building myself to go when people was around. My Camera never left me was in my bag or around my neck all the time strange how a little stupid thing could be such an important thing in a person's life.

So i went to College Took a few Courses on Photography passed them and this is my life now